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May 7th, 2006

09:49 pm: confused
so. i just got off the phone with my girl. she sounded pretty distant. so i asked her if everything was okay. you know, to touch base. she said she was just really mellow. she said she was going to apologize because she was going to be distant. she needed to think. she said she was feeling anit-social. fair enough. but i cant help but think i did something wrong. i know i am leaving, so maybe she is trying to distance herself...i dunno. i am a little sad. i live though!!

09:11 pm: ready to leave. oh so ready to leave. i already have a placed lined up. hopefully after getting my EMT certification done i can get a job in the bay area. until then i am going to work at the farmers market. my most favorite job ever. having the opportunity to work for a local organic farmer. seeing how it benifits the community makes me happy. as soon as i get enough maney i am going to buy a vespa. i thought about selling my car, but i am such a roadtrip whore that it wouldnt be a good idea. that and i think mateo and his parnter might help me out with some sex work. can you see me rolling up in a vespa with some goggles? i dunno, it might turn some people on.
as for the love life...things are going well with lauren and i. i am just taking it day by day. i figure it will work out if it was just meant to be. i am trying to have faith.

May 4th, 2006

09:25 pm: love
i have been here in florida for over a year. i dont know if its my luck or my karma that is spoiled. but over this past year physically i have found myself in a territory that is unknown. both knees blown doing different activities. i now have discovered my body as a temple. using it and appreciating my limits for they have changed since i have last known. so swirling in my head is this lesson that i have learned. i need to appreciate myself. i have found myself alone for a long time. it has taken a very long time to be okay with sitting by myself and just hearing myself breath. this process has allowed me to really relax and begin to love myself. i dont think i have ever loved myself. i am learning to be okay with my own feelings and thoughts. with no one near to influence, i finally am beginning to discover me.

so at this time of peace, i meet this wonderful person. i find myself again, in unknown territory. a year and a half since someone has reminded me what its like to adore someone. and to be adored. i am okay with being alone, but being with this woman helps me stay alive. i dont know what it is in my life, but for me my timing had always been off. and here i am again, timing unknown. with similar interest and a future that could behold love. i find myself thinking of what i want to share with her. what i could be with her. knowing little of my life, i wonder if with a history of fucked up love if she would ever love me. accept me with my tattered ends and loose strings. i guess being scared is a sign of love. i can see myself falling in love with her. but could she ever fall in love with me? can anyone ever fall in love with me? i mean i am just learning how to love me...26 years...its taken a long time...

June 13th, 2005

08:59 pm: sex
True Ethical Slut
Whoa! You scored 34 Sluttiness Points and 7 Ethics Points! Interesting...
Doesn’t sex just kick ass? You love it and your friends love it and your playmates love it. Sex is that overflowing bowl of ice cream you just have to share with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, if we can get more happy good sex out into the world, we can make it a happier place for everyone in it. You know how to communicate about what you want and how to listen to your partner’s desires. You even use your turn signals. You’re just an all around good person. You are one of the beautiful people.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 86% on Sluttiness

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 17% on Ethics
Link: The Ethical Slut Test written by PlayfulKissing on Ok Cupid

July 24th, 2004

10:59 am:

12:21 am: look, it's me!

July 21st, 2004

11:09 pm: a human lesson
I pretty intense thing happened today...I was in the middle of a meeting with my managers and a cop walks in and asks to speak to the GM. After talking for about 5 minutes she comes back and says that one of our co-workers, Q, is fucking DEAD...
Long story short, they dont know if it was an accidental overdose or if it was a suicide...Now this guy was pretty socially akward and a lot of people thought he was just really stupid...I mean just lacked sense up there...we got into a couple of tiffs, but I thought the guy was okay. I feel really bad though...I feel like I was robbed of a human life that I could have known more of. I am not sure if I would have ever gone beyond the work friendship that we had, but I wish I had the chance to try again. Its sad to think that you dont appreciate people that come into your life. People were so mean to him at work, he just didnt get things sometimes...and I was definitely not shy of arguing with him. He was pretty much an easy going guy, sweet, and genuinely nice...personally, I think their should be more people like him...i wish he would have known...then maybe, when one does come along, we wouldnt shit on him so much...I am disappointed in myself...arent I the one who's always like "appreciate this and appreciate that"...I guess I missed the lecture on listening to yourself...lesson learned, too bad it was at the expense of some else's death...thats the only way I can make sense of it...makes me value human life a lot more...esp. if he talks to you everyday...

Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: mix cd

July 13th, 2004

02:59 am: quiet and she'll never know
teetering between tired and really really tired
its 3 am and i am up
having converstations
pulling teeth to talk
i have no fucking teeth left
and i am hungry
i have a rash all over
on my legs and who knows where else
i have stopped looking
so has everyone else
my body knows
i have to get it out
i wonder if she knows
i cry when she falls asleep
and she doesnt know
i wish i could take it all back
fall asleep holding her hand just like it was

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: alicia keys

July 9th, 2004

02:38 pm: lyrics from emm gryner
You left a good drug on my tongue
And I know and I know and I know
I should write about the dizziness
'Cause I can't talk to the constellation
Like I want and I want yeah I want
'Cause I know too well what's good for me
You just dropped your bomb
Like blood on Tuesday night
Like everyone else you found a pretty face
And you're all set for life
Hey I'll always wish I was with you
Hurt me you can't kill me whatever you wanna do
Hey I'll always wish I had your hand
It would take away the acid if I thought you'd understand
But I don't think you'd understand
You say it happened like the movies
Yeah in a shot in a shot yeah you got
All the things you were looking for
I got enough indigo to wash away my heart
No you gotta keep me on this side of the great wide sea
Now I think I might get myself all 1967 on you
Run screaming to the balcony
But I can't do that can't do
I gotta keep my good composure
And swallow everything I want to say</font>

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: emm gryner
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